


I Want To Tell You...

by ShippingMcLennon



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: But he actually knows everything, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, McLennon, Unrequited Love, a little comical, but not really, confused George, for like a sec, soft paul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-19 04:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22638922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingMcLennon/pseuds/ShippingMcLennon
Summary: John is trying to confess his love for his best mate, but can't bring himself to do it. Things go a little different than planned, but Paul ends up finding out.
Relationships: John Lennon & Paul McCartney, John Lennon/Paul McCartney
Comments: 9
Kudos: 81





	I Want To Tell You...

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this one morning and wrote almost all of it in one short sitting. (It just came to me. It's kinda cute, I think...)

It was so close. Paul’s hand was so close to his. Both their hands were resting on the ledge of their hotel balcony, barely an inch away. John could easily just creep his pinky out and reach Paul’s. He looked at Paul’s face and saw he was only staring at the nighttime view. All the bandmates were out here having a small drink, but one by one, they scurried inside, leaving John and Paul alone as Paul stared at the beautiful stars. It encouraged John. Paul was so at peace and so serene right now, nothing could bother him. Right? Over the past 5 years, John has been struggling with his feelings towards Paul, and has had more and more desire to let out his true feelings to the younger the older he gets, especially now, when Paul just shared his most personal problems with John and informed the older that he could always tell him anything and that he trusts him more than anyone. 

That encouraged John. Given, they are best mates, but it’s still swelling to hear. If Paul felt that way about him, then surely Paul would give him the same response, had John chose to spill any of his secrets or feelings to Paul. The thought made his heart flutter. Paul was a good lad, and John could tell him anything. If something bothered John enough, Paul would cradle his feelings with love and genuine friendship. Just, not the type of love that seems to be bother John at the moment. And John could tell Paul practically everything… Except one thing. The thing that would ruin their friendship, make Paul look at John in disgust, break John's heart, and so on. 

What was John even thinking, reaching out to hold Pauls hand? It’s true that he was desperate, but the outcome would ruin him. What would he think? That Paul would hold back, and smile at him as they watch the stars together? Paul would look at him in confusion. And then anger. And then disgust. No matter how bad John wanted it. And god he wanted it so bad. So, John finally made a decision. With an urge gnawing at his lips, ready to burst out, John removed his hand, gave Paul a friendly pat on the back, and went back inside to his bedroom. 

John cried that night before he fell asleep. The urge to tell Paul was stronger than ever, and grew by the minute. Preparing himself to actually tell Paul and being completely convinced that he was going to actually let it out felt so good and relieving. But just before the thankful moment, doubt got the best of him, and doubt turned into fear, and John was right back where he used to be. John was stuck. He wished he could say the crying died down after that, but he was proved right that his feelings kept growing stronger when it only continued from then on, almost regularly. John wouldn’t pay attention, and he definitely hadn’t anticipated Paul to hear it and wonder what was wrong every time. Like a good lad concerned for his dear friend. Finally, Paul came into Johns room one day and confronted John about it. 

John was sitting up against his head board, and Paul sat down near him once he came in, pulling Johns attention from his book, and to the younger man in front of him. 

“John…” John leaned up and closer to Paul, showing his attentiveness as he greeted Paul. “John I uh… I know that… Look, I've heard you crying at night okay.” John didn’t respond and lowered his gaze to his lap. Paul noticed and scooted closer to John as he reached his hand to John’s arm and held it. “Look, I know you might not like to talk about some things, but you know… Anything that’s bothering you, you can tell me. Anything I promise.” John lifted his gaze, a genuine smile on his face. ‘I want to Paulie. So bad.’

“I know Paul, I really do, it’s just… I do. Tell you about stuff, I mean, but this… This is just different okay, I can’t really talk about it. This one is personal.”

“Personal?” John nodded. “Well yeah but my stuff is personal too, I mean I tell you everything.” 

“Oh really? Everything?” John questioned, hoping to catch Paul off guard. Paul looked up as he thought for a moment before looking back at John and beginning to confess any secrets he could think of to John.

“When me mum passed away, I would sit in her closet when I would be home alone.” John let out a sigh when he realized what Paul was doing. “I would secretly read me cousins diary behind her back. And--”

“Look Paul--”

“The last time I wet meself was in the 7th grade.” 

“I-- wait, really?” John questioned, being taken aback by the confession. Paul just looked at him and nodded with a grin, not feeling the least bit ashamed with the more than embarrassing information, which John highly appreciated, liking the way Paul trusted him, and only him, with all his secrets. John chuckled at the last and Paul found himself doing the same, before quieting and waiting for John’s end of the bargain. Although it wasn’t so much a bargain as a turn of confessions. John met Paul’s eyes again. “Look Paul… I trust you with stuff, you know I do, but this is different.”

“Why John? Why is it different?”

“Because… It’s… it just is. You would see me different an’ all… If you find out what it is.” John quieted down at the last and lowered his gaze.

“I would see ye different?” Paul’s voice was almost amused at the apparent nonsense. John nodded. “John, ‘m not gonna see ya any different. You’re me best mate. You know everything about me. Please. It’ll make you feel better… You can tell me.”

“No. I can’t. I can’t tell you.” Paul stared at John confused. 

“What do ya mean ya can’t tell me.” John looked somewhat frustrated, but Paul knew he didn’t mean it. 

“Because I… I already told you. You’ll hate me.”

“Oh what could possibly make me hate you!” 

“Like, for instance, what if I told you I was a serial killer?” John asked in an ‘as a matter of factly’ tone. Paul chuckled at that. 

“A serial killer?” Paul’s tone was still humorous. John nodded.

“Yeah. What wouldya do then huh?” Paul shrugged nonchalantly.

“I dunno… Ask if you wanted to kill me.” John rolled his eyes.

“No, seriously, what would you do in that situation? If I actually was, and I was serious.”

“Well, I dunno. We’re not in that situation. I dunno what I would do… I wouldn’t see you any differently.”

“If I was murderin’ people?” John almost yelled out over exaggeratedly. Paul smiled at that, knowing how John can get like that when he’s overwhelmed, with his wide eyes and aggressive hand gestures. “That would be insane o’ me!” 

“Yeah I know it would but…” John continued staring at him in the same state. “I’d still love you.” John softened at that. “Like you’d still be me best mate. Yer still John.” John sighed, falling for what Paul was telling him and not finding it in him to accuse the younger. Paul noticed John’s dilemma and scooted even closer, lifting a hand to stroke John’s cheek, which shocked John slightly, despite Paul occasionally doing it whenever he wanted to smooth John. John brought his gaze up to look at Paul’s sweet and tender face. John found himself getting lost in Paul’s gentle eyes for the umpteenth time in his life. “Johnny… I promise you can tell me.” Paul’s tone was quieter. “Whatever it is… I’ll be here for you. It’s just me, Paul.” 

John felt a warmth pool in his stomach and, not for the first time, felt an urge in his gut to confess his feelings for his best mate. Paul. He loved the name, and the man who held it. His Paul. His sweet, gentle, loving Paul. Understanding Paul. Paul would be understanding. John was convinced he would, if his comforting gaze was anything to go by… Or his understanding personality John learned to love over the years. 

John kept his gaze as he spoke. “I-- I-- Paul, I…” ‘But what if I tell him and he just freaks out, and feels uncomfortable bein’ by me an’ all?’ John shook his head as he backed up, making Paul's hand that had been on John’s cheek fall in its spot. “I can’t…” John kept his gaze lowered. “I’m sorry Paulie… I can’t tell you.” And when he enunciated ‘you’ again, Paul couldn’t help but wonder why. 

“Aw come on Johnny.” Paul tried, voice still as gentle and soothing. He was going to continue but John interrupted. 

“Look I want ya ta know, I really do. I swear I do. It’s been killing me. I wish I could tell you.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because… I just can’t. I wish ya could… can’t you just figure it out on yer own?” At that moment, a light bulb switched in John. “Oi!” He pointed at Paul. “You! You guess. And if ya figure it out, I’ll tell ya if yer right.” John seemed almost excited. 

“You want me to guess?” Paul questioned with another chuckle, but John didn’t back down and only nodded.

“Well yeah. I can’t tell ya what it is, but if you guessed it, and you guessed something yer okay with and ya know in your head that it might be right, then it’s okay.” Paul couldn’t deny that he half understood Johns logic, so he gave in with a final laugh.

“Okayyy ehm… Are you a serial killer?” Paul asked, that being the first thing he could think of, laughing at his own question. 

When he saw John stiffen and his gaze lower, Pauls brows furrowed. “Oi. Johnny. Are ye a serial killer?” John looked at Paul with pleading eyes. Paul’s brows furrowed more and his expression turned serious and concerned. “Wai…” “You.. You’re not…” He waited for John to laugh it off, but he just kept staring at Paul. Staring with the eyes Paul had seen not for the first time when John would beg silently for Paul to understand. “John…” Paul's voice was hushed. “Did you... Do somethin’?” 

“What would ya do if I did?” Paul blinked at him for a moment, not actually sure himself, and thought about it before answering.

“I… I would help ya.” Paul answered. Genuinely. Honestly. Understandingly. And like he was ready to help a mate, and not run from him. The two stayed silent and Paul kept his concerned look, waiting for John to say something, his fingers fidgeting in anticipation. Finally, John dropped his expression before speaking.

“No, I didn’t murder anyone.” Paul punched him playfully. 

“I knew it! Why did ye want me ta think ye did?” They were both smiling. 

“Because… I wanted ta know for sure, an’ you weren’t takin’ me seriously before.” Paul sighed, knowing John was right, before continuing. 

“Aright aright… next guess… ok what could be something that would make me see you differently?” Paul thought to himself while staring at the ceiling while John squirmed before him. “Well, ‘ave ye done somethin’ ta someone?” John shook his head no. “So it’s about you then.” John nodded. “Ok ehm… is it about…” Paul was in thought before he asked, “yer feelings?” John bit his lip in hesitation before glancing at Paul and nodding slowly. “Ok ehm… Is it anger?” John furrowed his brows, shaking his head ‘no’ and was about to speak when Paul did first. “Jealousy? Regret?” 

“No, not those types o’ feelin’s.” When Paul looked like a confused puppy (which John thought was precious), John clarified, “It has to do with someone else.” Paul thought for another moment before speaking.

“Love?” Johns breath hitched as he quickly lifted his head to look at Paul. He didn’t speak, but Paul understood. “Who do you love, Johnny?” John felt his heartbeat pick up and his breath quicken. He stared at Paul, hoping he would understand, but at the same time knowing that if he figured it out, there would be no going back. “Is it… someone you shouldn’t love?” John was still, fear steady on his face. When Paul saw John’s panic, he guessed again. “Do you love Jane?” John’s face quickly shifted from worry to grimace.

“Wha?! Ew, no! You know I hate her.” Paul rolled his eyes. “Why would you even ask that?”

“Well then who could it be, if I can’t know so bad?” John didn’t answer. He looked conflicted again and Paul sensed his fear, using it to come up with his next question. “Is it… is it a lad?” When John looked at Paul with that look again, Paul knew it was. “Who John. Who is it?” John was silent. “It’s okay, I promise,” Paul told him reassuringly. And although it did make John feel better, he still couldn’t bring up the courage to say it, so he kept staring. His eyes were wide and worried, making him look like a sad puppy to Paul. He lifted his brows as if pleading to Paul. Please figure out it’s you… Paul stayed silent as he stared at John for a moment. “Is it… Is it m--” And panic took over John once again. 

“Y’know what!” John hopped off the bed. “Don’t! Just don’t. It’s stupid really.” Paul tried to stop his scurrying movements and wanted to tell him it was okay, but John spoke first. “Please… Just please. Sorry. I can’t… Sorry.” Without another word, John rushed out the door and shut it behind him, trying to slow down Paul, who was quick to follow. John made it to the next room where his other bandmates were. 

“John, wait!” Paul called from the other room, hurrying after John. George and Ringo noticed an urgency in Paul's voice as well as a frantic John running away in front of them. George lifted his brow at John. John neared George and pulled him aside. 

“Please,” John begged, frantically to a very confused George. “Please, just distract him I need to--”

“John! It’s okay,” Paul’s voice from a distance. George looked more confused than ever, but couldn’t help but feel sympathy for John’s desperation, for whatever reason it could be from. 

“Please,” John said again as he began leaving their shared hotel. “Say something, anything. Please.” And without another word, left and shut the door behind him, running off to the streets wherever he could get away. Paul knew he loved him and there was nothing he could do to change that. John cursed himself for being so sensitive and stupid. Keeping his secret in was hell but nothing would be worse than ruining his friendship with Paul. Tears fell from his eyes as he rushed through the streets.

Inside the hotel, Paul met a dumbfounded George and was ready to run past him when he was stopped. 

“Oh. Erm… Paul eh… Thank god you’re here,” George suddenly said. Paul looked at him confused, and still in much more concern for his friend who had just run off. George noticed and quickly spoke again. “Eh… It’s about John.” Paul glanced at George. 

“John? What! What is it?” 

“He eh… he told me to tell you something. It’s kinda important…” 

“Yes yes! What did he say?”

“Eh…” George panicked, but decided quickly and grabbed Paul's hand to drag him to the other room, being sure to take his time despite Paul's rushed self, acting like Johns information was super secretive. Paul followed George to the other room, waiting for George to spit it out already. 

“Aright, Geo, what is it?”

“Eh… It’s really big.” Paul nodded. “Are uh… are ye sure ye wanna know?”

“Yes, for chrissake just tell me!” 

“Ok ok eh… John… told… me… Ugh Paul ‘m really sorry you have to hear this.” Paul was dying with anticipation. “Just know I am so sorry, I would not be saying this if he didn’t look like he was gonna cry.” Now Paul was more worried. “Ok, ‘m really sorry but… he told me to distract you…” Paul blinked at him and shook his head rapidly.

“Wait… What!” George looked upset, and almost scared for angering Paul.

“”M really sorry okay. He made me, I had no choice. He looked so sad,” George ranted. 

“Yeah I know he looked sad! That’s why I was trying to follow him!” Paul released a frustrated growl before running outside. However, there was no sight of John. By the time George successfully ‘distracted’ him, John surely ran off anywhere his legs would take him. With a sigh, Paul went back inside, knowing it was no use and his only option was to wait until John was ready. Whenever that would be. 

When Paul came back inside, he found George in the same spot, and state, as before, worry etched on his face. Paul chuckled at him, knowing how he would always be concerned for his mates, and just now realizing that he and John made the situation seem pretty bad. 

“He’s okay an’ all,” Paul told him. “We just… something happened, that’s all.”

“You guys ‘ave a row?”

“Not exactly…” He wasn’t sure if he should or not, but George was trustworthy and he could use a hand in this situation. “John eh… kinda told me that he loves me. Or well, he didn’t tell me, but I guessed it. And then he freaked out, and just ran off,” Paul gestured defeatedly. 

“Oh.” George answered, being not the slightest bit surprised. “Do you love him?” Paul was taken aback by the question. And at the fact that George showed no surprise to the information at all whatsoever. It was big news, a lad into another lad… wasn’t it? Especially John, who they both knew. He wondered if John had already told him. Or if he hadn't, but George figured it out on his own before. The latter sounded more likely. When Paul didn’t answer, George patiently waited. 

“Oh, I… eh… I don’t uh- I dunno. I mean no. I mean… I dunno… Maybe I… I ‘adn’t really thought about it eh…” ‘Did he love John?’ He had never questioned it before but… He… he felt something… He was always patting his arm, or stroking his cheek. He loved hugging John and seeing him happy. His heart fluttered when he discovered John loved him, and it broke when John ran off. But that doesn’t mean… 

“Oh god… I think I do… I love John.” Paul glanced up at George to see, once again, no surprise on the man whatsoever, but rather a knowing smile on his face and ‘how did he already know???’ He must’ve picked up on all the signs over the years. ‘How did George notice and not him?’ When he glanced back up, he realized George was probably reading his mind right now and sensed Paul's confusion. In a way, he owed the lad a thanks for making him figure out his own damn feelings… But god, he hurt John. He didn’t want to. Hell, that was the last thing he wanted. All he wanted to do right now was grab John and hold him, and hug him, and kiss him all over his face until John was a gleeful giggling mess. Paul's heart ached at the thought, but he knew he had to wait, and when the time would come, he would fix this. 

He didn’t wait. George had advised him to wait a few days for John to come to him, and he agreed, but impatience got the best of him and hell he couldn’t stop thinking about John. Thankfully, the older returned that night, after he thought everyone was already in bed, which they were, but Paul was still left awake in his room. He heard John come in and into his own bedroom, and relief washed over him. He convinced himself that he wasn’t going to bother John tonight and just going to let John come to him, hopefully the following morning, when he was ready. However, an hour after the silence of the night, Paul couldn’t wait any longer and left his bed. And now he remained standing outside of Johns bedroom door, where he was convinced John was already fast asleep on the other side. 

John had returned the same night and was relieved to see all the lights were off and everyone was in bed. He slowly crept into his room and went to his bed in an attempt to get some sleep, hoping it would clear his mind a little for the morning. However, sleep didn’t come. He was up for an hour, tossing and turning. Or he was just laying, but he couldn’t sleep. Paul was on his mind far too much and it was depriving him of getting any rest. 

Sometimes thinking of Paul would help him sleep. Thinking of his lips, or soft hair, or chubby cheeks. Or thinking of hugging or cuddling him, and John would be out in no time. But with every attempt, guilt crept up on him for the previous day. He loved Paul so much and he ruined everything. He ruined his life. And probably Paul’s too. He shut his eyes in an attempt to relax himself, but they suddenly flew open when he heard his bedroom door opening. Luckily he was facing towards the wall, away from his bedroom door, where no one could see his face. His heartbeat picked up at the thought of who it might be. The stranger neared Johns bed and John shut his eyes, just in case, and pretended to be asleep (to the best of his abilities, considering the state he was in). He was waiting for a confrontation. Is this when Paul wanted to do it? Wake him up in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep? His heart raced in anticipation of what Paul was going to say. But the words never came. 

Instead, John felt his blanket get slightly lifted behind him, before a body crawled underneath it, scooting closer to John. Johns eyes were wide in what he wasn’t sure was anxiety or gratefulness. Maybe both? Without any word, Paul turned his body to face Johns and pressed himself flushed against the elder’s back, before snaking an arm to wrap it around John’s waist, pulling him towards him and holding him close. There was no air space between the two bodies. Paul fit every gap between he and John. John felt soft and gentle lips press against his shoulder blade for a few seconds (longer than one simple kiss normally would be), before they released it. John had difficulty breathing and impossibly, he felt his heart beat pick up even more so than before. 

Paul noticed. He noticed how John’s breathing got heavier and more labored. He thought it was cute and nuzzled his face in the awake boys back. He brought the arm around Johns waist to raise until it reached Johns chest and felt and caressed it, feeling John’s heartbeat, while trying to sooth it. John noticed and tried to control his breathing but couldn’t help but be (extremely) nervous. After time, he noticed Paul begin to slow his movements, falling asleep himself, which seemed impossible for John.

“Eh… Macca?”

Paul lifted his head a little. “Yeah John?”

“I can’t really sleep if ‘m havin’ trouble breathin’ can I?” Paul laughed at Johns remark and hugged him tighter for a moment as he grabbed John’s hand and stroked it. After a moment, John turned around to face him. Paul was staring at his eyes and god the stare was so good. How else could he describe it? Genuine, pleasant, comforting, gentle, sweet, everything. It made John's heart flutter and he was ready to shed tears of gratitude. Paul reached a hand to stroke John’s cheek. Feeling somewhat encouraged, and overall euphoric, John finally said, “Paul… I love you.” Paul stared at him with that smile, staring at his eyes without hesitation and soaking in the sight. 

“I know,” Paul said. John let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Paul leaned in and kissed John’s cheek near where his hand was stroking it. And did it again. And again. And again. He planted kisses all over John’s face and John closed his eyes to soak in the feeling, as Paul showered him with love. When Paul finally finished, he spoke up, drawing John’s attention. “John.” John found Paul staring at his lips. Paul didn’t say anything for a moment, patiently staring at John’s lips and taking in their sight, which John didn’t seem to mind. Finally, “I love you too.” And Paul glanced up to meet John’s eyes so John could see he meant it. He looked back at John’s lips and slowly leaned in. Slowly, preparing John and making sure he wouldn’t be taken aback, and could feel all of it from the start. John closed his eyes and leaned in himself, until their lips met, and oh god, it was heaven. John’s whole body floated and his lips tingled. Paul’s lovely fingers tickled his cheek and he made sure to wrap his arms tightly around Paul, anywhere he could, as long as he could hold him close. 

When they pulled away, Paul stared up into John’s eyes. Genuinety, John saw. John was still breathing hard but he didn’t want the feeling to stop. Paul gave him one last sweet and gentle, but dragged out, kiss on the lips, and when he pulled away, he used his hands to maneuver John's head down to his chest. John laid his head on Paul’s chest, and Paul cradled John's head securely in his arms. John’s own arms hugged Paul's body. The body that John couldn’t get enough of. The body that John would hug, and wouldn’t want to let go. And now he didn’t have to. The thought was gleeful. 

Paul's scent was everywhere. John always loved it, and tried to get a hint of it every chance he could, and now he got plenty of it. Paul’s touch was so present, and John held him tightly. Sleep had finally come, easier than ever before, and all his worries drifted away in Paul’s embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed :)
> 
> Follow me on my tumblr! (And leave requests anytime!!)


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